BONUS MATERIAL for “The Apple Pie and The Knife”!

OK Story Time YAY!

Did you know I was on The Voice. I was! Season 5. I did pretty good. I made it to the top 10 and then got booted from the show. I’m weird and just didn’t know how to act on the show and weird things came out of my mouth and I blurted things that made people mad and I wore little short shorts that made people mad and I was confident and that made people mad.

It was such a fun time. No, really! It was. I loved most of it. It’s not every day you get to perform on TV to 14 million people. Of course, you can’t see any of those people. 14 million people is incredible but at the end of the day, it’s just a number. BUT the studio audience was made up of about 300 very excited people, and I absolutely loved performing to them. I loved working on choreography, picking out my outfit, getting pampered in hair and makeup, and singing my heart out to try and win America’s love. But let’s face it. I’m over 30, I love campy glam rock and roll, and I am…..gasp….A WOMAN.

This was a tricky thing to be on The Voice, especially at my age. In the real world, I was 30. In the entertainment world, 30 equals……60. And my loud presence and actions that went over just fine with my male teammates were hard for America to swallow. My confidence was perceived as cocky, which was kinda hilarious because I was TERRIFIED AT ALL TIMES.

I was loud, abrasive, weird, a downright LOOSE CANON. Hell, I might reach through the screen and steal your husband.

So I got eliminated and my teammate, sweet summer breeze Caroline Pennell, advanced to the next round. It’s not about her. I’m not bitter towards her. She’s lovely and really funny and sweet and talented. In fact, everyone who advanced to the next round deserved to be there. Was it my time to go? Eh. I dunno. I made some bad song choices. We’ve already covered the weird and hard to swallow. Maybe. I wish I could have stayed. But it’s fine, and ultimately, the person who won my season, Tessanne Chin, 10000000000% deserved to win. Holy hell, she is amazing.

Where am I going with this. This is the last Special Secret page that I’m writing and it’s late and I’m starting to feel loopy.

Right. Women of a certain age and genre are a hard sell in the music industry. Or so I was told by every manager willing to meet with me after the show, including Doc McGhee, the guy famous for managing Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, and a teensy little band called KISS. I was also told I was only “girl next door pretty” from Gwen Stefani’s former manager. Fuck the voice and the music, WILL PEOPLE WANT TO FUCK HER? The music industry is FUUUUN.

So I wrote “The Apple Pie and The Knife” as a result of the double standard dealings I dealt with.

The nice thing is, I DO think a lot of work has been done since I was on the show however many years and seasons ago. I do think this country and this world has made a lot of progress with how a woman’s worth is perceived, and I also think that the in-fighting of woman against woman has died down a bit, especially when we realized who the real enemy was- THE PATRIARCHY AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.

Butterflies and rainbows and sunshine and love.

And also, I absolutely love where I am in my career and what I get to do on a daily basis. I love that I work in a cabaret, that I get to collaborate with a bunch of lovely and amazing artists, and that I’ve found a place in this world that embraces my weird shenanigans. It’s WONDERFUL to be different, and I really did love my time on The Voice. Everyone who works on the show is warm and caring and the producers do their best to present you in your best light.

I wouldn’t change it for the world. xo

THE APPLE PIE AND THE KNIFE

Shoulder to shoulder
How fast we've forgotten
Hand in hand, into the fray
No one remembers, except the departed
How it all started
And who is to blame
Shoulder to shoulder
Turned head to toe
On and on and on we go
Fated and fixed in a vassalage state
With the sabotage slut-shaming we create

After a lifetime of fighting and flat-lining
Clawing and clutching for air
Bent over backwards to prove that my backbone
Was actually there
I got my foot in the door
You call me a whore?
Because I'm not a man
How many acts, how many vendettas
Will it take you to want me just the way I am?

You want the apple pie
But I'm the knife, too sharp to swallow
You want the seen-not-heard
But I'm the bullet, not the hollow shell

But I can only be myself
And no one else
Still they're braying

She's driving me bat shit
Those shorts show her legs
She's proud of herself
LOOK! She's proud of herself
She should be docile
She should know her place
God, I'm sick of her face
Instead of a tightrope, it should be a clothesline
Instead of a microphone, it should be air
Who gives a shit about Susan B. Anthony's fight for equality
Look at her hair!

Come on, ladies
Settle down
It's just for show
Why all this nonsense of "who does she think she is?"
That cocky bitch will steal our husbands

It's a petty fight to the finish
Little girl, I hate to diminish your style
Thank god you got a pretty smile
Is there any fault in me
Being who and what I want to be?

Who would have thought that a girl with a dream
Could be such a controversial thing?
Why you so hard-up on making a scene?
Where do you get off on being so mean?
I didn't come here to win your approval
I didn't come here for fortune or fame
I came to stand up for girls that you've beaten down
Over and over and over and over again

This damsel is distressed
She doth protest, "It shouldn't be like this"
I'm not the enemy
I want to be loved like everybody else
You want the apple pie
But I'm the knife too sharp to swallow
You want the seen-not-heard
But I'm the bullet
I'm the bullet
I'm the bullet
NOT the hollow shell